Am I a failure? What is failure anyway?

What is failure? One thing I like to be clear about is that people aren’t failures. People fail at tasks, people make mistakes, but they themselves are not failures. Sometimes you just don’t have a particular skill yet. Failure is part and parcel of life. All in all, there’s more failure about than success, it’s just that people don’t tend to advertise it. It would be good if they did. Many people become afraid of failure and then miss out or avoid opportunities. If you do fail or mess up, many times people use this as a way to shatter their self belief. Your idea of failure might be different to someone else’s, so we may suffer acutely from pressure driven by ourselves or others to achieve without hiccups along the way. Fortunately, if you change the way you look at failure, then you can change the way you approach the prospect of messing up, making a mistake or not meeting a personal goal and your feelings of failure can change.

My own point of view is that normalising failure would stop people from comparing their insides to other people’s outsides. Daily, we see images of other people’s success and it appears instagram-effortless. With social media and 24 hour news, we have instant access to a world of others to whom we are invited to compare ourselves, so we will always be able to find someone who appears ‘more successful’ than us. This is highly threatening to our brain, our sense of who we are and where we fit in socially. Our brains’ threat systems have not developed the capacity to keep pace with the modern world and this bottomless pool of others. Our brains may have developed well enough to deal with social comparison in smaller social groups in our evolutionary past as hunter gatherers; this was probably in many ways adaptive and kept us on our toes. Today such large scale social comparison in terms of failure or success is probably unhelpful.

Success is given a good press but many times we don’t get to see the struggle involved behind the scenes. The truth is, success is not always what it seems…

One exceptional quote comes from basketball player Michael Jordan:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games, 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game’s winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

You will notice that Mr Jordan is open about his failures and you could notice that he does not label himself a failure. He only defines his actions. This is important. If he were to rate and label himself as a failure this would impact on his confidence and sense of self worth, and this would make it very hard for him to dust himself down from inevitable and frequent failures. This same attitude can help whether you are just making your way through life, or whether you are learning a new skill at work or for leisure, or trying to make progress in therapy.

To fail at something is part of being a living and growing human being. Think of babies…. if a baby cared too much about failure, they’d never learn to crawl or walk. Think of all the effort, the hard work and the tears required for a baby to get up and moving about. There were many failed attempts before the glorious moment they finally found freedom walking on their own for the first time. Their skill (or success) is the result of many failed attempts with a lot of support and encouragement from caregivers along the way. Failure is part of life and ideally not something to avoid or fear.

In order to experience some success or progress, failure is to expected. Failing is part of learning. No-one is born with talent. Even the most ‘gifted’ person you know did not get up one morning and succeed at what they do… chances are they spend many hours messing up, trying and keeping going. There will have been moments of disappointment, frustration, sadness, joy, all the emotions along the way. The application of effort and ability to tolerate the discomfort of failure is key to picking yourself up again, dusting yourself off and standing tall once more. If you berate yourself as a failure when you fail, your confidence will be shattered. Better to accept that you’re a human being and that while you may fail at things along the way, many of which you have limited to no control over, this has no bearing on your worth as a person.

You are not a failure.

The philosophy behind REBT CBT is that you are much more than the sum total of your actions, thoughts and feelings. You are too complex and unique to be summed up with a mere description or label. Human language in the form of labels is just not enough to capture what it is to be human. We are much more than the sum of our parts. All humans are capable of change, and our skills and attributes are ripe for development if we want to change them. We have changed, we will change and will never from moment to moment be the same, so we can never be captured with a single word. To label yourself a ‘failure’ is an unfounded and inaccurate judgment. It’s easy to label yourself (or another) as a failure, but it’s unfair and overly critical, overlooking all your potential and your past.

As a CBT therapist, I want to help you to adopt a new belief about yourself - that all humans are born of equal worth, albeit sometimes into circumstances and a time that may not have been their choice. The only true things you can say about humans are that each is fallible (prone to making mistakes), imperfect, unique, complex and worthwhile. No person is a total failure, no person is perfect or a complete success, nor is it even possible to describe a person as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

If you want a vivid example of this, I have recently been reflecting on the example of the man who intervened in a terror attack in London and helped to distract and chase the attacker to a location where he was unable to cause further harm. He was claimed a hero. It was later discovered that this same man was on release from prison, having previously committed a murder. So, what is this person? Is he a hero? Or is he totally evil, capable of the worst crime? If we look at it truthfully, he is neither a hero nor is he evil. He’s just a human being, who has on the one hand carried out a heroic act, but he has also committed what most people would consider a terrible crime. When you look at it this way, he’s neither good or bad, though his actions have the potential to be good or bad.

The helpful philosophy of refusing to rate yourself but stay focused on your actions will free you up to do what matters to you. No amount of self-berating when you don’t achieve your goals will help you unless you want to damage your confidence and increase your anxiety. Accept yourself as a fallible human being.

If we can begin to adopt a more balanced and genuinely realistic attitude towards ourselves, then we can accept ourselves for our failings and our mistakes along the way, without shattering any hard-won confidence. We can honestly and fairly rate our actions and accept or improve our skills. But no need to berate ourselves for failures, gentle encouragement and self acceptance will work wonders.

Feel free to keep failing forwards towards your goals and your successes.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath. She works as an integrative CBT therapist using techniques drawn from cognitive behavioural therapies such as REBT, CT, ACT and Compassion Focused Therapy.

Breathing exercise: Soothing rhythm breathing

Using our breath can be a helpful way of settling our mind and body when we are experiencing negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression or general stress. It can help to create a more secure and grounded feeling and reduce the impact of the body’s natural fight or flight reflex. By deliberately using our breath, we are helping our mind to receive the message that we are safe.

Soothing rhythm breathing is a breathing exercise designed to soothe body and mind. There are other breathing exercises where you can just allow the breath to be as it is, but this technique is about discovering a breathing rhythm that is supportive and calming for you. The counting element can help to focus your mind on your breath.

The rate and rhythm of breath which you find soothing may vary from the count here, so please feel free to adjust your counting if need be. Your natural soothing rhythm may even vary from day to day, so initially it is worth taking a little time to find your rhythm before settling into a pattern which feels soothing and natural for you. There’s no rush to find the right pace; just keep your in and out breaths of equal length, with a brief pause between each.

You can experiment with the sequence below until you find the rate which feels most beneficial for you. There’s absolutely no pressure to do this right or get it right first time, just set aside a few minutes a day to practice and you will soon get the hang of it.

As with other mindfulness based practices, if you find your mind wandering off onto other concerns, that’s okay, just bring your attention back to your counting and your breath.

Instructions

• First sit in a way that you feel supported, yet alert, in an upright posture with feet flat on the floor, and head facing forward.
• To begin with, slowly take a steady and long in-breath for a count of four.
• Pause there for a moment…
• Then gradually release the breath for a count of four, keeping it steady, long and slow.
• Repeat this count for three minutes.

As with any breathing exercise, these are best practised in a quiet relatively calm environment to begin with, and as you become used to doing them, you will be able to use them while going about your day when you feel the need to give yourself some time to reset.

If you would like to try a different mindful breathing technique, you can go here to find a Beginners Mindfulness of Breath exercise.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath. She regularly teaches clients to use these simple breathing techniques as part of their general care plans. These exercises help clients to work with their emotions in a more helpful way. 

Unhelpful thinking styles: filtering and emotional reasoning

Emotional reasoning (emotional filtering) is a common unhelpful thinking style. Each of us views the world, ourselves and other people in our own unique way. And, of course, this all depends on a complex set of life circumstances, upbringing, contemporary social and environmental influences, sex, religion, health, random events, genes, and more or less anything else a human can come into contact with. Despite each person's individuality, we do all have a lot in common. We're all subject to the human brain's tricky manoeuvres and resulting unhelpful thinking styles.

We all see the world through our own lens or filter, but when subject to stressors, our brain relies on experience to match up what it recognises with previous triggers which have been filed away in our memories as 'threatening' situations, people or places. Once our fight or flight system (our primitive survival mechanism) is activated, cortisol and adrenaline are released which produce primary emotions such as anxiety or anger.

The impact on the body can't be missed - racing heart, feeling sweaty, tingling sensations, light headedness, muscle tension, feeling ready to run or fight (plus a host of other intense physical symptoms). The resulting emotions feel so strong that they can compel us to act or behave in certain ways to avoid a feared situation, or to defend ourselves against a threat. 

Emotional filters

Our mind needs to filter our experiences and let through the right stuff. If our filter is flawed, then like a coffee machine that is playing up, we can end up with a poorer than necessary experience. If we use our emotions to filter or decide on our course of action, we can unwittingly work against our own best interests. Consider some of the following examples of emotional filtering:

• I feel guilty, therefore I must be bad.
• I feel afraid, the danger must be real.
• I feel so anxious... I'm pathetic.
• I'm very angry, they need to pay for what they did.
• I'm feeling very anxious, this must be a bad thing and I need to do something about it.

In CBT we learn that our emotions are a consequence of our thought patterns, and a response to the way we are thinking. Our thoughts can be automatic, like a reflex, and our beliefs can be out of date and no longer serving us. 

Our emotional responses may also be influenced by memories of past events or traumatic circumstances, tricking us into believing that a past threat is here and now. The memory may lead you to feel upset, but it is not happening now, so your current emotion would not be the wise way to determine your choices. Your emotions can lead you to confuse the past with the present.

If we only use how we feel as our filter for living our lives, we can unwittingly make mistakes and hold ourselves back in life. The emotions we feel when we are experiencing stressful events are so compelling that we 'feel' we need to take evasive or defensive action. This does not always take us closer to where we want to be - it often takes us further away from our valued goals. 

Here's a rather everyday example which many people can relate to. Take a fictional character Procrastinating Peter... "I feel so stressed about all this work I have to do." His anxiety feels so uncomfortable, he unknowingly feels compelled to avoid this feeling of anxiety, by avoiding the work he needs to get done. Anything will do: making endless cups of coffee, going on social media, tidying his desk, taking a sickie so he can feel better.

All of these actions take away the anxiety for a while, but the work doesn't get done, because Peter has used his 'feelings' to guide his action. The key is to understanding what thoughts or beliefs are underlying Peter's stress. Peter's thoughts could be going along several directions - "I'm not going to do a good enough job", "I can't ask for help, I'll look stupid", "I will get the sack, if this isn't up to scratch."

As observers, we can easily see that if Peter keeps putting off his work because he feels anxious, he is leaving himself less and less time to do the work, and possibly increasing the likelihood of his work not making the mark. He could end up rushing, staying up late, making mistakes, or not giving himself time to carry out any revisions his boss might ask for. Additionally the more he acts on his anxiety, the more he increases his own stress, as, by avoiding the situation, he even gives his brain the message that this is a real danger.

How to handle emotional reasoning

So, what can we do? Emotional reasoning or emotional filtering requires awareness and a mindfulness of emotions. There are many things people find helpful, but if you can follow these simple steps you may find it easier to step back and observe what is happening...

1. When you are experiencing a strong emotional reaction, it's helpful to step back and acknowledge how you are feeling. Can you name your emotion? eg. I am feeling anxious / angry / fearful right now. Accept and be kind to yourself in that moment, and nod to the fact that you do have a Tricky Brain which is primed to experience these difficult emotions.

2. If you are feeling the full force of anxiety or anger, and feeling shaky or out of control, you can try some deep breathing to steady yourself. A good technique is Soothing Rhythm Breathing (blog post to follow). This can balance your emotional response and enable you to discover that you can cope.

3. As you begin to settle, you can choose to take a look at the facts here. What are your thoughts? What specifically is going through your mind? Are other unhelpful thinking styles (eg. black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions) taking hold and increasing the pressure? Write this down. When you get better at this, you can do it on the fly. Try reframing or balancing your thinking. Nobody claims this is easy, it takes practice and perseverance, but with practice old thinking patterns can be broken.

The main problem with emotional reasoning is that it can keep you stuck in an unhelpful autopilot state, where you continue to act on your emotional filter. The emotional filter's go-to actions include avoiding people or places, procrastinating, lashing out at others, all in an attempt to stay 'safe' or 'defend' yourself from harm. In situations where you really need protection, this is genuinely helpful, but realise that when you are being adversely affected by stress or are suffering from anxiety disorders or depression, for a lot of the time, your mind is like an overhelpful friend giving you advice you don't need.

If you'd like to find out more about other unhelpful thinking styles, take a look here:

Jumping to Conclusions 
Black and White Thinking 

Unhelpful thinking style: Labelling

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath, UK. She help her clients to identify and manage their unhelpful thinking patterns and underlying beliefs. If you're looking for therapy in Bath, please feel free to get in touch at info@alibinns.co.uk

Unhelpful thinking styles: Black and white thinking

The thoughts we have, the words we use to frame the world and how we describe ourselves and others can all impact on our mood. It might surprise you to know there are several unhelpful thinking styles which we can become prone to when we’re experiencing difficulties.  Over my next few blog posts, I’m going to introduce you to some of these classic negative thinking styles. When we think in these ways, we can start to get in our own way! Unhelpful thinking styles can impact on our emotions, our actions and even our physical symptoms.

One of the most prevalent of the unhelpful thinking styles is 'black and white thinking', sometimes known as 'all or nothing thinking'. Have you ever caught yourself thinking along these lines?

• I’m useless at running, so I’m not going to bother entering that race.
• I’m a rubbish cook, so I’m not inviting friends here for dinner.
• If I don’t get a good enough mark in my exam, I have failed.
• I'm too old to do that.
• I'm exhausted, I couldn't possibly.
• Feel free to come up with your own here...

You can probably see from these examples, that when you stand back and look at these words, they are extreme ways of thinking. They don’t allow for shades of grey, they don’t allow for the possibility of making mistakes, they don’t allow for human fallibility or the potential to learn new skills. In short, they are thoughts which keep us stuck at the wrong end of a whole spectrum of possible thoughts. They certainly don't help us to do the things we might want to do. Dichotomous thinking (to give it a fancy name) makes our difficulties worse.

We call black and white thinking an unhelpful thinking style because these types of thoughts tend not to be 100% true, they’re hard to back up, and they’re sweepingly general. Many of us fall prey to this from time to time, when we’re under pressure, so feel free to acknowledge that this is a fairly common human experience. You are not alone in this!

The automatic thoughts which come tumbling out when someone is experiencing anxiety, stress, depression, or other negative emotion do not help to soothe or alleviate the situation, they increase and sabotage any possibility of moving closer to your goals. In the above examples, these wishes might have been to get fit, improve cooking skills, get a better social life, or feel relaxed and pass a test. Looking at the examples of black and white thinking, how do you think these thoughts impact on the mood of each person?

The good news. This is where a little knowledge goes a long way. Becoming aware of your thinking styles is a good first step. Once you recognise your thinking styles, you are already ahead of the curve. Many clients find it helpful to capture the thoughts that go through their minds when they are experiencing a strong negative emotional reaction and note them down in a journal. You can then begin to notice patterns in your thinking, some of which crop up over and over. We can call these negative automatic thoughts. Negative automatic thoughts often conform to the different unhelpful thinking styles, so it can be good practice to identify and name the type of thought we are experiencing. 

When learning to deal with all or nothing or black and white thinking, you can begin by reflecting on your thoughts as soon as possible after the event and have a reality check. Is this thought 100% true? Am I exaggerating or overestimating the badness of this situation? Am I failing to see the real-life detail in the situation?

Keep an eye out for further posts on the different unhelpful thinking styles. I’ll be sharing some further tips to help you to discover alternative ways to develop healthier, more flexible thinking styles.

Unhelpful thinking styles: Jumping to conclusions

Unhelpful thinking styles: Emotional filters / emotional reasoning

Unhelpful thinking style: Labelling

As a CBT therapist in Bath, I help my clients to identify and manage their unhelpful thinking and underlying beliefs. If you're looking for therapy in Bath, please feel free to get in touch at info@alibinns.co.uk

Your tricky brain

One of the biggest hurdles of being human is how we handle our tricky brain. Whoever we are, we go through life’s experiences with a brain that leaves us vulnerable to difficult negative emotions, including anxiety, depression, anger and shame. One of the first steps to overcoming any emotional difficulty can be to learn to understand your mind and how it’s only trying to help. Let’s get real about the way our minds work, because the mind is a tricky beast. Left to its own devices, your human brain can get up to all sorts! It’s just the way human minds have evolved and that’s no fault of your own. Your mind means well, it just goes a little overboard at times, trying to keep you safe.

Evolution of the human brain

The human brain is a product of evolution. The brain is a marvelous thing – if you think of the positive potential and capabilities of human beings – over the centuries, societies have made advances in science, knowledge, art and technology in ways that are truly astonishing. While it’s open to debate that all of these advances are a good thing (that’s another story in itself), there’s no question that the human brain’s capacities to think, reason, plan, invent and create are immense.

The problem with our tricky brain stems from the simple facts that our brain still retains many old brain functions from our evolutionary past – our ‘old’ mammal brains. Our brains are ruled by complex motivations for survival, food, reproduction, status and caring, all of which were essential for the survival of our species. There are also primary emotions of anger, anxiety, sadness and joy, all of which motivated us to take action, whether that was to fight, take flight, shut down, find food, compete for resources or find a partner, or engage in caring for young.

Bigger brain, bigger problems

Over thousands of years our brains evolved and, in simple terms, grew bigger. However, the trade-off that came alongside all the benefits of being a human were the disadvantages that can come of being able to think about your own experiences. We can monitor and judge ourselves, we can criticise, we can worry about and imagine what can go wrong, we can be frightened of our own feelings, we can feel inferior to others, we can ruminate about the past... Being able to comment on the content of our own minds can be sometimes be a design flaw in an otherwise amazing brain. The good news is that knowing that our own mind is a product of evolution we can begin to leave behind any ideas that we are to blame for any unhealthy negative feelings. Through no fault of your own, your brain will sometimes respond in a way that is out of proportion to a threat, because that’s the way our brains are made. Our modern brains have the unfortunate capacity to rev up and sustain any sense of threat for far longer than a mammal in the wild.

Fight or flight reactions

One way of thinking about this is to picture a zebra in the wild. The zebra is happily grazing with his pack, when along comes a lion. Lion gives chase and the zebra flees for survival. As luck would have it, on this occasion the zebra gets away. It then wanders back to the herd, and continues to graze. Its threat system served it well. The threat system kicked in, and the zebra’s body took over, ensuring its best chances of survival in a real life or death chase. Now, if that zebra had been gifted with a more human brain, he would still have that instinctive fight or flight reflex, but problems could begin after the event.

Rumination and worry

On returning to the herd, the zebra may begin to reflect as follows: “That was scary – I could have died. I can picture how awful that might be. What if next time I die? What if I had tripped and fallen, that could have been the end of me. How am I going to prevent that from happening again? Why did the lion pick me? Did I look weaker than the others? Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anyone help me out there? They all just carried on grazing as if nothing happened. Maybe they don’t like me. What would have happened to my children?” Not only would the zebra be giving itself a wealth of new threats to dwell upon, but he’d be feeling worse for longer by ruminating about the past and worrying about the future.

This is what happens to humans. In face of a threat, real or imagined, we can bring the threat into our heads and keep it going in creative and unhelpful ways. As humans we can add to our original problems with shame and self criticism, unhelpful comparisons and negative judgments, all of which can sustain the feeling of threat and create a more persistent cycle of negative emotions.

The important thing to remember is that when this happens this is not your fault, it all comes down to your brain’s evolutionary design. The good news is we can take responsibility for our tricky brains and learn to manage it. Once we can see under the bonnet it becomes easier to understand and work with its foibles. There is a freedom and a power in knowing this.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath. If you need further help and would like to talk things through with an accredited CBT therapist, please feel free to contact me  at info@alibinns.co.uk or via my Contact page.

Self acceptance: What’s not on the label

You know the deal. You’ve been promising yourself you’d never do that thing again, and there you go, you made that mistake again. Before you know it, you’re labelling yourself a failure, a loser, a hopeless case. At times in life, we can become prone to labelling ourselves in unhelpful ways. In the heat of the moment, these negative labels reappear momentarily, or, worse, stick around and become a habitual way of thinking.

How does it help us to label ourselves in a negative way? What benefit did you ever get from labelling yourself as a loser, a failure, unlovable or worse? Can you gently become aware of the labels you give yourself and consider for a moment that not only are these labels unfair and unhelpful, but they also don’t make sense.

Of course, on the face of it, you might buy into those labels if you’re feeling depressed, ashamed or anxious, but the truth is, as a human being it’s just not kind to label yourself in the same way you would a piece of luggage.

Let’s look at it another way... Think for example of a jar of jam. Any kind, your favourite perhaps? Think of the label on that jar. What does it say? Maybe Strawberry Jam, Raspberry Jam. What else is on the labels, maybe a short or long list of ingredients?

However detailed you make the list of ingredients on the label, the label will never come close to being the jam itself. The words can’t capture the essence of the jam, the taste, the look, the attributes. Think of yourself in that way, and see if you can give up the habit of labelling yourself.

If we return again to our jar of jam, you might also realise that each jar of jam is unique and each has its own merits. Some people prefer one jam, some like another – a jam can be different fruits, consistencies, home made, shop bought, organic, sugar free, runny or set. Regardless, this doesn't make one jam somehow intrinsically better or more universally valuable than another either. It takes all sorts to create a supermarket shelf of jams, just as it takes all kinds of people to make up a world of human beings. Accept your uniqueness, foibles and all, but above all see if you can peel off the label and see what’s underneath.

Ali Binns works as an accredited CBT therapist in Bath and sees self acceptance as a key to improved mental health. If I can help you, please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page or email info@alibinns.co.uk

A tale of self acceptance: The Two Waves

Ever summed yourself up as a failure, not good enough, worthless or other sweeping negative description? You’re not alone. This tendency to downgrade ourselves if things aren’t going the way we want in life is common place. Self esteem can come crashing down when we do this. In CBT, we call this a global negative evaluation of ourself, and it’s helpful if we can learn to notice when we are doing this and work towards an understanding of the self as far too complex to rate and sum ourselves up with unhelpful all-encompassing evaluations. All too commonly, people suffering from depression, anxiety or stress can sum themselves up as ‘a failure,’ ‘not good enough’, ‘useless’ and so on, when the truth is that none of these can be proved to be 100% true.

Ever noticed yourself doing this? Some of us label ourselves down when things have gone badly in a particular area of our life, but then proceed to sum our whole self up as a result of one mistake or failing. Each person on the planet has a unique and interesting combination of strengths, weaknesses, traits, roles, history, attributes, thoughts, beliefs, emotional responses, so when we explore a ‘global negative rating’, it’s just never true. Each person is so much more than the sum of their parts.

I recently heard this story of the two waves, which I think explains in a vivid way how we are much more than we imagine we are.

There are two waves racing towards the shore, one large and one small. The larger wave is frightened and he says to the little wave, “Oh no, this is it, it’s all over for us. I can see the shore and the cliffs and we are doomed.” The little wave looks back at him and says, “No, we’re fine. I can’t see what the problem is.” The big wave replies, “Look, I am bigger than you, I can see over the top of you and I can see the foam and the shore – I can see that our journey is over.” The little wave looks back and replies, and says, “The end? Not at all you’re not just a wave, you’re the ocean.” The big wave has given himself a self-limiting label, just as we often do, and that has increased his distress as he chases in to shore. Consider for a moment how you might limit your own progress with your own negative labels.

Perhaps you can work on this idea for yourself? Grab a pencil and note down everything you can think of that makes up you. For example, make a note of all your strengths, weaknesses, neutral points, roles in life, beliefs, ideas, attributes, thoughts, likes, dislikes, and feelings.  If it’s hard, you can ask a close friend or family member to get you started. When you’re done, take a look. Now does it make sense to ever sum yourself up in global terms? Can it also be true that you are so much more than any label you give yourself?

Can you begin to learn to accept yourself for who you are – this wonderful one-off and complex human being. There will never be another like you! Sure, you make mistakes, from which you are welcome to learn, or you have weaknesses you'd rather you didn't, but that’s where you’re not alone. Welcome to being human!

I work as an accredited CBT therapist in Bath (MNCS Accred, National Counselling Society) and see self acceptance as one of the keys to improved mental health. If I can help you, please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page or email info@alibinns.co.uk