Belief change and the tooth fairy

In traditional forms of CBT we often talk about changing our thinking or changing our beliefs. On the surface of it, that might sound easy and the CBT mantra of change the way you think to change the way you feel probably oversimplifies the process. In order to change our beliefs or the way we think, and to really truly feel and buy into new beliefs or attitudes and subsequently experience an emotional shift, certain conditions are important.

To illustrate this idea I’m going to use the analogy of a child’s belief in the tooth fairy. This quaint tradition involves leaving a lost milk tooth under the pillow, by morning it will have been replaced by a small token, a coin, and more latterly perhaps, a note (inflation obviously!). The benefits of such a belief are unclear, although it’s been suggested that it might make small children less fearful of losing a tooth. Or perhaps there’s nothing more to it than a fun and magical game that parents play while children are still young enough to enjoy the magic.

Belief change

In any case, this is a belief which we can use as an example of a belief which can change. This belief involves a way of thinking: the tooth fairy is real and visits with a small coin when a tooth falls out. This belief may fly in the face of all the evidence, how does a tiny fairy carry a pound coin, let alone a £2 coin, but it is still believed, because adults around us told us about it. It has a benefit for us, a surprise under the pillow in the morning. The belief also involves certain behaviour, for example the child may go to bed early and stay in bed to ensure the tooth fairy comes, as well as saving the tooth to put under the pillow. As long as the tooth fairy (ie. mum or dad) keep remembering to deliver the goods, the belief is maintained (at least until an age where the child developmentally has suspicions and questions the whole reality).

The steps of changing beliefs and attitudes

In order for beliefs to change, I’d suggest the first step is that you need to be open to the possibility that there is a different perspective to your belief. That there might be another way of looking at things. In the case of the tooth fairy belief, a child might have suspicions themselves that this belief isn’t entirely true, or perhaps a sibling or friend has let the cat out of the bag. Perhaps unwittingly a parent has been spotted placing coin under pillow… A seed of doubt has been planted, opening up a different way of looking at things.

So far so good. At this point, when we know there might be another way of looking at things, we might still hold tightly to this, because this way of thinking is safe and comfortable. What has to happen next?

Looking for evidence might be the next logical step to changing our beliefs or attitudes. On our own, or with support from others, we might explore the evidence for and against our belief. Tooth fairy example: stay up and pretend to be asleep to prove your theory once and for all; survey other people; google for facts on your mum’s ipad when she’s not looking. Then you could draw a conclusion and come up with a more realistic and balanced belief.

At this point, this may be enough, but if you continued to act as if you still believed in the old belief, then things may happen which keep the old belief going. If you continue to put your tooth under your pillow, the tooth may keep being replaced with a coin (after all, who wouldn’t want that to happen?) So to begin to dismantle an old belief, we need to change the way we act too. A child might stop putting a tooth under their pillow or they might talk to their family and admit that they have a different way of thinking now, that while the story was nice, they’re a big girl or boy now and have a new way outlook now.

Acting in accordance with a new way of thinking will really help to uproot an old belief. The belief in a tooth fairy may have served you well as a child (fun, excitement in this case), but, as is the case, with many beliefs, as you move through life the beliefs may come to no longer serve you well. There may be some sadness associated with this growth and learning, but it’s all for the good, if you have chosen a new set of beliefs and attitudes which help you to move forwards in your life.

So to sum up, what relevance does this have for changing the way we think in CBT? Beliefs can change but changing beliefs takes time, persistence and the following:

Be open to flexible thinking, different perspectives

Look for evidence for and against your beliefs; stick with the facts

Challenge yourself to act in new and helpful ways that support your new beliefs

Over time and with repeated action, you can experience a different outcome in situations where you have experienced difficulties.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath. She enjoys writing about therapy and CBT and hopes these posts can help you in your understanding of yourself.

What is awfulising (and the tale of the two arrows)

Awfulising - what a word! It was invented by Albert Ellis to describe a tendency of the mind to catastrophise situations when we meet adversity, especially when things are going against our wishes or our goals. When we are faced with a threat, be it real or imagined, it’s common to ‘awfulise’ or ‘catastrophise’ things not being the way you want them to be, adding an extra layer of distress to an already difficult situation for you.

The tale of the two arrows

Awfulising is the mind’s equivalent of a ‘second arrrow’. What’s the second arrow, you may be wondering? The idea comes from an old Buddhist parable of a man walking through a forest when he is randomly struck by by a hunter’s arrow. The pain of the first is unavoidable, the second arrow is the additional suffering he may add to his experience by going on the ruminate on the event. For example, this shouldn’t have happened, it’s truly the end of the world that this happened. The second arrow is the response to the adversity, which we can learn to manage… Bad things can happen.

In REBT-CBT, we acknowledge that there can be some circumstances beyond our control, but learn that we can manage our response to the second arrow, when we add our own pain to the original injury. Awfulisation is one such arrow we might add to our difficulties. We tell ourselves that something is end of the world bad, that’s it is awful, terrible, specifically that it is off the scale bad. What do you think is the impact of going about your day with a habit of awfulising…?

Here’s an everyday minor example: My printer isn’t working… This is absolutely terrible, how am I going to manage now? How do you think this person is feeling now? Does it help to think these kinds of thoughts? What is a more realistic and helpful way of putting this?

Think of the person above, whose printer wasn’t working. (Okay, I’ll admit, it was me!) What could I have said instead which would be altogether more helpful? Yes, it is true that this is highly inconvenient and a hassle, that this has come at an awkward time, but there are worse things… It is bad that this has happened, but hardly the terrible thing I was leading myself to believe. What is the result of calming oneself with more flexible thinking…? Yes, still some frustration and concern, but a calmer mind means a better ability to problem solve, instead of rooting around switching the printer on and off again with no results.

How to tackle awfulising

It’s always worth stepping back and contemplating your mind chatter when it comes to the everyday habit of awfulising.

Here are some suggestions you could try if you notice you have a habit of awfulising… You could ask yourself, is this situation a truly a horror or just a hassle, an everyday tussle or terrible, impossible or inconvenient?” Any which way you look at it, when we awfulise the everyday adversities, we make life harder than it needs to be. Awfulising sends the message to our brain that the threat is worse than bad, and ramps up our negative emotions, and affects our actions.

It can be helpful to try out a different perspective when it comes to awfulising. You might consider what are the consequences of awfulising or catastrophising your difficulty? You might reflect on the reality of the difficulty - you can practice being genuinely compassionate to yourself about that, because all of us have difficulties one way or another.

Lastly in some situations, you may even be able to cast the net wider and consider three good things which could come about as a result of the problem? (A tough one, but often we can find something unexpected.)

Many times, just acknowledging that you are facing something that is bad and difficult, but reminding yourself of the temporary nature of this challenge and that although it is bad, it’s certainly not end of the world bad, can take the sting out of things. This can alleviate the second arrow.

If there’s an arrow that’s come your way, looking to see whether you are in the habit of awfulising can help to cushion the blow of a second arrow you’ve provided for yourself.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist working in Bath, UK. Read more about CBT under the tabs above, or delve into the Resources to see if there’s something helpful you can find for yourself.

4 beliefs which harm you: Unhelpful beliefs and your emotions

One of the founders of CBT, Albert Ellis had a way with words. His way of explaining things, as a rather brash and forthright New York psychotherapist, was that we would all lead calmer, more contented lives if we were able to stop 'shoulding' on ourselves, and, humorously, he added, not indulge in 'musterbation'. What could he mean?

Ellis' specific branch of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), known as REBT (rational emotive behaviour therapy), proposes that much of human suffering is made worse by the demands (the shoulds, musts, shouldn't and must nots) we make on ourselves, others or the world in general. These demands become the window through which we look at our world - past problems and difficulties in life can start to add a level of murkiness to our window. It can help to clean up the glass from time to time... which is where CBT comes in.

Beliefs impact on feelings

In CBT we look at the way inflexible and irrational thinking contributes to our distress. This is not a new way of thinking, in fact it's rooted in wisdom that goes back to the Stoic philosphers almost 2,000 years ago. Epictetus summed it up well when he wrote, "People are not disturbed by events, but by the view they hold of them."

Reality check

Before we start out, this is not to say that there are not situations which are very bad and in an ideal world would not have happened, but we live in an imperfect world. Pain, suffering and bad things happening are the price we pay for being alive. Life isn't always easy, life isn't by nature fair, and people don't always meet our expectations or our needs. The real power in CBT is that if we can learn to address the way we think, we can reduce unnecessary emotional distress which we may be layering on top of what may well be appropriate sadness, concern, healthy anger or regret relating to difficult situations. Negative emotions can be healthy responses to adverse events. These are necessary and human emotions which help to motivate us to take action. CBT is certainly not about putting a sticking plaster on your emotions, but it is about reducing emotional disturbance and experiencing a healthy emotional response.

Danger of demands

One of the main roots of vulnerability to unhealthy negative emotions (eg. anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, guilt) lies in the irrational beliefs which we may bring to our experience. Let's call these beliefs the window through which we view the world. While we may not be able to change the past, other people, or many situations and things which are outside of our control, we can clean up the window, by addressing irrational and unhelpful beliefs and replacing these with helpful, supportive alternatives. A clearer view will result in a calmer life with more measured responses. And who doesn't want a clearer view? With clarity, we can appreciate where we are with less negative judgement, and we have time to choose our response more wisely.

As human beings we all have wishes, desires, and ideas about how we want things to be... Unfortunately when things are not going our way, we might notice a tendency to absolutely demand that things are different. Often we may not even be aware that we are doing this. These demands might come in the form of unreasonable expectations, inflexible and unrelenting standards or striving to make the impossible possible. Ellis described these demands as being inflexible, unrealistic, and unhelpful. Demands can be easy to spot when you are on the lookout. Listen out for shoulds, musts, ought tos, need to's, have to's or their negative counterparts, mustn't, shouldn't and so on. These demands form an inflexible rulebook which contributes majorly to emotional distress.

Some of our unhelpful demands we may have developed over the course of our lifetime; at some point these may even have served as a way to adapt to difficulties we have experienced. This may have worked at some level in the past, but when we don't address these patterns of thinking, we can be left reacting in the same way we always have to our personal trigger situations. And in this way, we can easily become trapped by our past.

What are your demands?

How often have you considered the demands you place on yourself or others? What arises when your demand isn't met? Have a ponder for a moment. How often do these demands contribute to living your life in a calmer way? How often to they feed helpful behaviour or ways of thinking? How might they even exacerbate symptoms of anxiety or stress?

And it doesn't end there... When a demand about how things ought to be isn't met, we can disturb ourselves in three additional ways. 

Catastrophising: inflating the badness of the demand not being met. Self talk: It's awful, it's a disaster when my demand isn't met.

Low frustration tolerance: an underestimation of our ability to cope with the demand not being met. Self talk: I can't bear it, I can't stand it.

Self / other / world criticism: global negative and damning beliefs about yourself or others. Self talk: I'm a loser, failure, worthess. Or, he's an idiot, a total pain.

Flexible thinking

To remedy this, in CBT we work towards challenging irrational and unhelpful beliefs in order to improve psychological flexibility. This flexibility leads to adaptable supportive behaviour, greater resilience in the face of adversity, emotional wellbeing and improved self worth.

When you can reframe your beliefs with rational, flexible, realistic and helpful beliefs, you can experience a calmer outlook. Adapt your philosophy on life and choose to reframe the way you think with flexible preferences.

To illustrate, here's an example on a sporty theme.

Runner A: I absolutely have to win the race. It would be a disaster if I didn't. I couldn't cope with not being top of my game. I'd be a failure if I didn't win.

Runner B: I really want to win the race but accept that I might not. It would be bad, but not a disaster if I didn't. It would be hard facing up to it, but not impossible. I feel secure that I will have done my best and not winning doesn't mean I am a failure, just that on this occasion there was tough competition.

Which runner experiences the greatest emotional distress? How is runner A likely to feel? What about runner B? Which runner is likely to put in the best performance? Which runner will find it harder to compete next time?

Flexible preferences express what you would like to happen but acknowledge the reality that you may not get it. Even though this situation might be bad, and it might be hard, you can begin to learn to tolerate the difficulty of not getting what you would like.

So for now, I'd like to leave you just to consider your own demandingness. Keep a track and notice the tendency. Once you notice you can begin to relax some of the demands you feel able to let go of.

In summary, beware of the must, shy away from the should.

The other unhelpful beliefs I will deal with in another blog soon and link up to it here.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath. If you're looking for support, please feel free to get in touch using the contact link at the top of the page.

A tale of self acceptance: The Two Waves

Ever summed yourself up as a failure, not good enough, worthless or other sweeping negative description? You’re not alone. This tendency to downgrade ourselves if things aren’t going the way we want in life is common place. Self esteem can come crashing down when we do this. In CBT, we call this a global negative evaluation of ourself, and it’s helpful if we can learn to notice when we are doing this and work towards an understanding of the self as far too complex to rate and sum ourselves up with unhelpful all-encompassing evaluations. All too commonly, people suffering from depression, anxiety or stress can sum themselves up as ‘a failure,’ ‘not good enough’, ‘useless’ and so on, when the truth is that none of these can be proved to be 100% true.

Ever noticed yourself doing this? Some of us label ourselves down when things have gone badly in a particular area of our life, but then proceed to sum our whole self up as a result of one mistake or failing. Each person on the planet has a unique and interesting combination of strengths, weaknesses, traits, roles, history, attributes, thoughts, beliefs, emotional responses, so when we explore a ‘global negative rating’, it’s just never true. Each person is so much more than the sum of their parts.

I recently heard this story of the two waves, which I think explains in a vivid way how we are much more than we imagine we are.

There are two waves racing towards the shore, one large and one small. The larger wave is frightened and he says to the little wave, “Oh no, this is it, it’s all over for us. I can see the shore and the cliffs and we are doomed.” The little wave looks back at him and says, “No, we’re fine. I can’t see what the problem is.” The big wave replies, “Look, I am bigger than you, I can see over the top of you and I can see the foam and the shore – I can see that our journey is over.” The little wave looks back and replies, and says, “The end? Not at all you’re not just a wave, you’re the ocean.” The big wave has given himself a self-limiting label, just as we often do, and that has increased his distress as he chases in to shore. Consider for a moment how you might limit your own progress with your own negative labels.

Perhaps you can work on this idea for yourself? Grab a pencil and note down everything you can think of that makes up you. For example, make a note of all your strengths, weaknesses, neutral points, roles in life, beliefs, ideas, attributes, thoughts, likes, dislikes, and feelings.  If it’s hard, you can ask a close friend or family member to get you started. When you’re done, take a look. Now does it make sense to ever sum yourself up in global terms? Can it also be true that you are so much more than any label you give yourself?

Can you begin to learn to accept yourself for who you are – this wonderful one-off and complex human being. There will never be another like you! Sure, you make mistakes, from which you are welcome to learn, or you have weaknesses you'd rather you didn't, but that’s where you’re not alone. Welcome to being human!

I work as an accredited CBT therapist in Bath (MNCS Accred, National Counselling Society) and see self acceptance as one of the keys to improved mental health. If I can help you, please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page or email info@alibinns.co.uk