4 beliefs which harm you: Unhelpful beliefs and your emotions

One of the founders of CBT, Albert Ellis had a way with words. His way of explaining things, as a rather brash and forthright New York psychotherapist, was that we would all lead calmer, more contented lives if we were able to stop 'shoulding' on ourselves, and, humorously, he added, not indulge in 'musterbation'. What could he mean?

Ellis' specific branch of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), known as REBT (rational emotive behaviour therapy), proposes that much of human suffering is made worse by the demands (the shoulds, musts, shouldn't and must nots) we make on ourselves, others or the world in general. These demands become the window through which we look at our world - past problems and difficulties in life can start to add a level of murkiness to our window. It can help to clean up the glass from time to time... which is where CBT comes in.

Beliefs impact on feelings

In CBT we look at the way inflexible and irrational thinking contributes to our distress. This is not a new way of thinking, in fact it's rooted in wisdom that goes back to the Stoic philosphers almost 2,000 years ago. Epictetus summed it up well when he wrote, "People are not disturbed by events, but by the view they hold of them."

Reality check

Before we start out, this is not to say that there are not situations which are very bad and in an ideal world would not have happened, but we live in an imperfect world. Pain, suffering and bad things happening are the price we pay for being alive. Life isn't always easy, life isn't by nature fair, and people don't always meet our expectations or our needs. The real power in CBT is that if we can learn to address the way we think, we can reduce unnecessary emotional distress which we may be layering on top of what may well be appropriate sadness, concern, healthy anger or regret relating to difficult situations. Negative emotions can be healthy responses to adverse events. These are necessary and human emotions which help to motivate us to take action. CBT is certainly not about putting a sticking plaster on your emotions, but it is about reducing emotional disturbance and experiencing a healthy emotional response.

Danger of demands

One of the main roots of vulnerability to unhealthy negative emotions (eg. anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, guilt) lies in the irrational beliefs which we may bring to our experience. Let's call these beliefs the window through which we view the world. While we may not be able to change the past, other people, or many situations and things which are outside of our control, we can clean up the window, by addressing irrational and unhelpful beliefs and replacing these with helpful, supportive alternatives. A clearer view will result in a calmer life with more measured responses. And who doesn't want a clearer view? With clarity, we can appreciate where we are with less negative judgement, and we have time to choose our response more wisely.

As human beings we all have wishes, desires, and ideas about how we want things to be... Unfortunately when things are not going our way, we might notice a tendency to absolutely demand that things are different. Often we may not even be aware that we are doing this. These demands might come in the form of unreasonable expectations, inflexible and unrelenting standards or striving to make the impossible possible. Ellis described these demands as being inflexible, unrealistic, and unhelpful. Demands can be easy to spot when you are on the lookout. Listen out for shoulds, musts, ought tos, need to's, have to's or their negative counterparts, mustn't, shouldn't and so on. These demands form an inflexible rulebook which contributes majorly to emotional distress.

Some of our unhelpful demands we may have developed over the course of our lifetime; at some point these may even have served as a way to adapt to difficulties we have experienced. This may have worked at some level in the past, but when we don't address these patterns of thinking, we can be left reacting in the same way we always have to our personal trigger situations. And in this way, we can easily become trapped by our past.

What are your demands?

How often have you considered the demands you place on yourself or others? What arises when your demand isn't met? Have a ponder for a moment. How often do these demands contribute to living your life in a calmer way? How often to they feed helpful behaviour or ways of thinking? How might they even exacerbate symptoms of anxiety or stress?

And it doesn't end there... When a demand about how things ought to be isn't met, we can disturb ourselves in three additional ways. 

Catastrophising: inflating the badness of the demand not being met. Self talk: It's awful, it's a disaster when my demand isn't met.

Low frustration tolerance: an underestimation of our ability to cope with the demand not being met. Self talk: I can't bear it, I can't stand it.

Self / other / world criticism: global negative and damning beliefs about yourself or others. Self talk: I'm a loser, failure, worthess. Or, he's an idiot, a total pain.

Flexible thinking

To remedy this, in CBT we work towards challenging irrational and unhelpful beliefs in order to improve psychological flexibility. This flexibility leads to adaptable supportive behaviour, greater resilience in the face of adversity, emotional wellbeing and improved self worth.

When you can reframe your beliefs with rational, flexible, realistic and helpful beliefs, you can experience a calmer outlook. Adapt your philosophy on life and choose to reframe the way you think with flexible preferences.

To illustrate, here's an example on a sporty theme.

Runner A: I absolutely have to win the race. It would be a disaster if I didn't. I couldn't cope with not being top of my game. I'd be a failure if I didn't win.

Runner B: I really want to win the race but accept that I might not. It would be bad, but not a disaster if I didn't. It would be hard facing up to it, but not impossible. I feel secure that I will have done my best and not winning doesn't mean I am a failure, just that on this occasion there was tough competition.

Which runner experiences the greatest emotional distress? How is runner A likely to feel? What about runner B? Which runner is likely to put in the best performance? Which runner will find it harder to compete next time?

Flexible preferences express what you would like to happen but acknowledge the reality that you may not get it. Even though this situation might be bad, and it might be hard, you can begin to learn to tolerate the difficulty of not getting what you would like.

So for now, I'd like to leave you just to consider your own demandingness. Keep a track and notice the tendency. Once you notice you can begin to relax some of the demands you feel able to let go of.

In summary, beware of the must, shy away from the should.

The other unhelpful beliefs I will deal with in another blog soon and link up to it here.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath. If you're looking for support, please feel free to get in touch using the contact link at the top of the page.

Unhelpful thinking styles: filtering and emotional reasoning

Emotional reasoning (emotional filtering) is a common unhelpful thinking style. Each of us views the world, ourselves and other people in our own unique way. And, of course, this all depends on a complex set of life circumstances, upbringing, contemporary social and environmental influences, sex, religion, health, random events, genes, and more or less anything else a human can come into contact with. Despite each person's individuality, we do all have a lot in common. We're all subject to the human brain's tricky manoeuvres and resulting unhelpful thinking styles.

We all see the world through our own lens or filter, but when subject to stressors, our brain relies on experience to match up what it recognises with previous triggers which have been filed away in our memories as 'threatening' situations, people or places. Once our fight or flight system (our primitive survival mechanism) is activated, cortisol and adrenaline are released which produce primary emotions such as anxiety or anger.

The impact on the body can't be missed - racing heart, feeling sweaty, tingling sensations, light headedness, muscle tension, feeling ready to run or fight (plus a host of other intense physical symptoms). The resulting emotions feel so strong that they can compel us to act or behave in certain ways to avoid a feared situation, or to defend ourselves against a threat. 

Emotional filters

Our mind needs to filter our experiences and let through the right stuff. If our filter is flawed, then like a coffee machine that is playing up, we can end up with a poorer than necessary experience. If we use our emotions to filter or decide on our course of action, we can unwittingly work against our own best interests. Consider some of the following examples of emotional filtering:

• I feel guilty, therefore I must be bad.
• I feel afraid, the danger must be real.
• I feel so anxious... I'm pathetic.
• I'm very angry, they need to pay for what they did.
• I'm feeling very anxious, this must be a bad thing and I need to do something about it.

In CBT we learn that our emotions are a consequence of our thought patterns, and a response to the way we are thinking. Our thoughts can be automatic, like a reflex, and our beliefs can be out of date and no longer serving us. 

Our emotional responses may also be influenced by memories of past events or traumatic circumstances, tricking us into believing that a past threat is here and now. The memory may lead you to feel upset, but it is not happening now, so your current emotion would not be the wise way to determine your choices. Your emotions can lead you to confuse the past with the present.

If we only use how we feel as our filter for living our lives, we can unwittingly make mistakes and hold ourselves back in life. The emotions we feel when we are experiencing stressful events are so compelling that we 'feel' we need to take evasive or defensive action. This does not always take us closer to where we want to be - it often takes us further away from our valued goals. 

Here's a rather everyday example which many people can relate to. Take a fictional character Procrastinating Peter... "I feel so stressed about all this work I have to do." His anxiety feels so uncomfortable, he unknowingly feels compelled to avoid this feeling of anxiety, by avoiding the work he needs to get done. Anything will do: making endless cups of coffee, going on social media, tidying his desk, taking a sickie so he can feel better.

All of these actions take away the anxiety for a while, but the work doesn't get done, because Peter has used his 'feelings' to guide his action. The key is to understanding what thoughts or beliefs are underlying Peter's stress. Peter's thoughts could be going along several directions - "I'm not going to do a good enough job", "I can't ask for help, I'll look stupid", "I will get the sack, if this isn't up to scratch."

As observers, we can easily see that if Peter keeps putting off his work because he feels anxious, he is leaving himself less and less time to do the work, and possibly increasing the likelihood of his work not making the mark. He could end up rushing, staying up late, making mistakes, or not giving himself time to carry out any revisions his boss might ask for. Additionally the more he acts on his anxiety, the more he increases his own stress, as, by avoiding the situation, he even gives his brain the message that this is a real danger.

How to handle emotional reasoning

So, what can we do? Emotional reasoning or emotional filtering requires awareness and a mindfulness of emotions. There are many things people find helpful, but if you can follow these simple steps you may find it easier to step back and observe what is happening...

1. When you are experiencing a strong emotional reaction, it's helpful to step back and acknowledge how you are feeling. Can you name your emotion? eg. I am feeling anxious / angry / fearful right now. Accept and be kind to yourself in that moment, and nod to the fact that you do have a Tricky Brain which is primed to experience these difficult emotions.

2. If you are feeling the full force of anxiety or anger, and feeling shaky or out of control, you can try some deep breathing to steady yourself. A good technique is Soothing Rhythm Breathing (blog post to follow). This can balance your emotional response and enable you to discover that you can cope.

3. As you begin to settle, you can choose to take a look at the facts here. What are your thoughts? What specifically is going through your mind? Are other unhelpful thinking styles (eg. black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions) taking hold and increasing the pressure? Write this down. When you get better at this, you can do it on the fly. Try reframing or balancing your thinking. Nobody claims this is easy, it takes practice and perseverance, but with practice old thinking patterns can be broken.

The main problem with emotional reasoning is that it can keep you stuck in an unhelpful autopilot state, where you continue to act on your emotional filter. The emotional filter's go-to actions include avoiding people or places, procrastinating, lashing out at others, all in an attempt to stay 'safe' or 'defend' yourself from harm. In situations where you really need protection, this is genuinely helpful, but realise that when you are being adversely affected by stress or are suffering from anxiety disorders or depression, for a lot of the time, your mind is like an overhelpful friend giving you advice you don't need.

If you'd like to find out more about other unhelpful thinking styles, take a look here:

Jumping to Conclusions 
Black and White Thinking 

Unhelpful thinking style: Labelling

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath, UK. She help her clients to identify and manage their unhelpful thinking patterns and underlying beliefs. If you're looking for therapy in Bath, please feel free to get in touch at info@alibinns.co.uk

Your tricky brain

One of the biggest hurdles of being human is how we handle our tricky brain. Whoever we are, we go through life’s experiences with a brain that leaves us vulnerable to difficult negative emotions, including anxiety, depression, anger and shame. One of the first steps to overcoming any emotional difficulty can be to learn to understand your mind and how it’s only trying to help. Let’s get real about the way our minds work, because the mind is a tricky beast. Left to its own devices, your human brain can get up to all sorts! It’s just the way human minds have evolved and that’s no fault of your own. Your mind means well, it just goes a little overboard at times, trying to keep you safe.

Evolution of the human brain

The human brain is a product of evolution. The brain is a marvelous thing – if you think of the positive potential and capabilities of human beings – over the centuries, societies have made advances in science, knowledge, art and technology in ways that are truly astonishing. While it’s open to debate that all of these advances are a good thing (that’s another story in itself), there’s no question that the human brain’s capacities to think, reason, plan, invent and create are immense.

The problem with our tricky brain stems from the simple facts that our brain still retains many old brain functions from our evolutionary past – our ‘old’ mammal brains. Our brains are ruled by complex motivations for survival, food, reproduction, status and caring, all of which were essential for the survival of our species. There are also primary emotions of anger, anxiety, sadness and joy, all of which motivated us to take action, whether that was to fight, take flight, shut down, find food, compete for resources or find a partner, or engage in caring for young.

Bigger brain, bigger problems

Over thousands of years our brains evolved and, in simple terms, grew bigger. However, the trade-off that came alongside all the benefits of being a human were the disadvantages that can come of being able to think about your own experiences. We can monitor and judge ourselves, we can criticise, we can worry about and imagine what can go wrong, we can be frightened of our own feelings, we can feel inferior to others, we can ruminate about the past... Being able to comment on the content of our own minds can be sometimes be a design flaw in an otherwise amazing brain. The good news is that knowing that our own mind is a product of evolution we can begin to leave behind any ideas that we are to blame for any unhealthy negative feelings. Through no fault of your own, your brain will sometimes respond in a way that is out of proportion to a threat, because that’s the way our brains are made. Our modern brains have the unfortunate capacity to rev up and sustain any sense of threat for far longer than a mammal in the wild.

Fight or flight reactions

One way of thinking about this is to picture a zebra in the wild. The zebra is happily grazing with his pack, when along comes a lion. Lion gives chase and the zebra flees for survival. As luck would have it, on this occasion the zebra gets away. It then wanders back to the herd, and continues to graze. Its threat system served it well. The threat system kicked in, and the zebra’s body took over, ensuring its best chances of survival in a real life or death chase. Now, if that zebra had been gifted with a more human brain, he would still have that instinctive fight or flight reflex, but problems could begin after the event.

Rumination and worry

On returning to the herd, the zebra may begin to reflect as follows: “That was scary – I could have died. I can picture how awful that might be. What if next time I die? What if I had tripped and fallen, that could have been the end of me. How am I going to prevent that from happening again? Why did the lion pick me? Did I look weaker than the others? Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anyone help me out there? They all just carried on grazing as if nothing happened. Maybe they don’t like me. What would have happened to my children?” Not only would the zebra be giving itself a wealth of new threats to dwell upon, but he’d be feeling worse for longer by ruminating about the past and worrying about the future.

This is what happens to humans. In face of a threat, real or imagined, we can bring the threat into our heads and keep it going in creative and unhelpful ways. As humans we can add to our original problems with shame and self criticism, unhelpful comparisons and negative judgments, all of which can sustain the feeling of threat and create a more persistent cycle of negative emotions.

The important thing to remember is that when this happens this is not your fault, it all comes down to your brain’s evolutionary design. The good news is we can take responsibility for our tricky brains and learn to manage it. Once we can see under the bonnet it becomes easier to understand and work with its foibles. There is a freedom and a power in knowing this.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath. If you need further help and would like to talk things through with an accredited CBT therapist, please feel free to contact me  at info@alibinns.co.uk or via my Contact page.