emotional filtering

Here's an art form which is unique to human beings: the art of comparison. In fact, it's so prevalent that it has its own heading under the list of unhelpful thinking styles in cognitive behavioural therapy: Compare and Despair.

The danger of Compare and Despair thinking is pervasive. Like a weed, it can quickly become rooted, and a feature which any one of us can do without. Compare and Despair thinking can contribute to anxiety, depression, shame, envy, leading to self criticism, lack of self worth and it rapidly undermines any confidence.

In the evolutionary context of survival, having a cognitive ability to compare our abilities with others', or to suss out whether or not we might be acceptable to another social group, makes a lot of sense, especially if the results of our decision are bound up with live or die scenarios. However, in the present day, this hangover from the past can tip from helpful to survival to unhelpful to daily life. This inherited tendency to judge ourselves in comparison to others would definitely have helped us to succeed in competing for resources such as food or shelter, but in our everyday lives, this ability can cause more problems than it solves. First of all, and perhaps most important, is to recognise that you are not to blame if you have a tendency to think this way - it's how your brain was made.

When we look around us in this information-saturated age, there are plenty of opportunities for us to compare ourselves to others. We might compare looks, status, partners, children intelligence, individual character traits (how funny or articulate someone else is), possessions, emotions... in fact, it's humanly possible to compare just about anything that something else has with what you have.

How to overcome comparisons

No-one would say it is easy to overcome... as with any thinking style, this can be ingrained. Awareness and catching ourselves in the act of comparing and despairing is our first step. You could begin to write down or capture these thoughts before deciding how you treat them.

Unhelpfully, comparing ourselves to others can can go hand in hand with the unhelpful thinking style of filtering, or, tending to paying attention to what fits our worst fears about ourselves... For example, if we believe we are boring then we have a radar seeking out information to confirm this. This is what Christine Padesky calls 'prejudice against the self' - our brains are wired this way too. Just another of the faults our human brain has to contend with! This means that we pay more attention to what we see as our own weaknesses, than paying attention to everything else about us, and compare and rate ourselves negatively.

Take a more balanced view

If we know that we do have a knack of disqualifying the positives about ourselves, or discounting any praise received, we can choose to make a conscious, yet uncomfortable, attempt to let it in! It is okay (though admittedly not very British!) to take on board compliments and acknowledge the positives about yourself, but take them on board you must. It's just that you may have become accomplished at focusing on the ways in which you think you don't make the grade. You can begin to consider a more balanced view about yourself.

Learn to let go of unhelpful thoughts

It's very likely that in my attempt to persuade you to think about some of your positive qualities, your mind is already coming up with excuses that some of those good things that you have thought of 'don't count', 'they only said that to be kind', 'they didn't mean it', 'they wanted something'... Notice that this your mind still trying to defend its own prejudice against itself. These are simply thoughts, and not facts. You can learn to let these go. A simple mindfulness practice can help to learn to just watch you thoughts without getting caught up in them. Try this Beginners Mindfulness Practice. With practice, mindfulness can help you to turn your attention to what is helpful for you.

Build self compassion

Perhaps a better answer yet is to learn to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Yes, there may be things that others have that you would like to have, or you would like to be, but none of these are indicators of your worth as a human being. You are uniquely valuable as you are. What they have and you don't is no indicator of your worth.

There is a Zen saying that, “A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.” If we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, each of us our own unique, imperfect (yes, because everyone is!) and wonderful version of a human being, and if we can learn to treat ourselves with self compassion... then maybe just then, we can be like the flower, allowing our own selves to shine regardless of how we think we stand in relation to others.

If you would like to find out more about other unhelpful thinking styles, please take a wander through the following articles:

Unhelpful thinking styles: Catastrophising

Unhelpful thinking styles: filtering and emotional reasoning

Unhelpful thinking styles: jumping to conclusions

Unhelpful thinking style: Labelling

Ali Binns works as a CBT therapist in Bath. She helps clients to overcome their problems using a range of cognitive behavioural strategies.

Emotional reasoning (emotional filtering) is a common unhelpful thinking style. Each of us views the world, ourselves and other people in our own unique way. And, of course, this all depends on a complex set of life circumstances, upbringing, contemporary social and environmental influences, sex, religion, health, random events, genes, and more or less anything else a human can come into contact with. Despite each person's individuality, we do all have a lot in common. We're all subject to the human brain's tricky manoeuvres and resulting unhelpful thinking styles.

We all see the world through our own lens or filter, but when subject to stressors, our brain relies on experience to match up what it recognises with previous triggers which have been filed away in our memories as 'threatening' situations, people or places. Once our fight or flight system (our primitive survival mechanism) is activated, cortisol and adrenaline are released which produce primary emotions such as anxiety or anger.

The impact on the body can't be missed - racing heart, feeling sweaty, tingling sensations, light headedness, muscle tension, feeling ready to run or fight (plus a host of other intense physical symptoms). The resulting emotions feel so strong that they can compel us to act or behave in certain ways to avoid a feared situation, or to defend ourselves against a threat.

Emotional filters

Our mind needs to filter our experiences and let through the right stuff. If our filter is flawed, then like a coffee machine that is playing up, we can end up with a poorer than necessary experience. If we use our emotions to filter or decide on our course of action, we can unwittingly work against our own best interests. Consider some of the following examples of emotional filtering:

I feel guilty, therefore I must be bad.
I feel afraid, the danger must be real.
I feel so anxious... I'm pathetic.
I'm very angry, they need to pay for what they did.
I'm feeling very anxious, this must be a bad thing and I need to do something about it.

In CBT we learn that our emotions are a consequence of our thought patterns, and a response to the way we are thinking. Our thoughts can be automatic, like a reflex, and our beliefs can be out of date and no longer serving us.

Our emotional responses may also be influenced by memories of past events or traumatic circumstances, tricking us into believing that a past threat is here and now. The memory may lead you to feel upset, but it is not happening now, so your current emotion would not be the wise way to determine your choices. Your emotions can lead you to confuse the past with the present.

If we only use how we feel as our filter for living our lives, we can unwittingly make mistakes and hold ourselves back in life. The emotions we feel when we are experiencing stressful events are so compelling that we 'feel' we need to take evasive or defensive action. This does not always take us closer to where we want to be - it often takes us further away from our valued goals.

Here's a rather everyday example which many people can relate to. Take a fictional character Procrastinating Peter... "I feel so stressed about all this work I have to do." His anxiety feels so uncomfortable, he unknowingly feels compelled to avoid this feeling of anxiety, by avoiding the work he needs to get done. Anything will do: making endless cups of coffee, going on social media, tidying his desk, taking a sickie so he can feel better.

All of these actions take away the anxiety for a while, but the work doesn't get done, because Peter has used his 'feelings' to guide his action. The key is to understanding what thoughts or beliefs are underlying Peter's stress. Peter's thoughts could be going along several directions - "I'm not going to do a good enough job", "I can't ask for help, I'll look stupid", "I will get the sack, if this isn't up to scratch."

As observers, we can easily see that if Peter keeps putting off his work because he feels anxious, he is leaving himself less and less time to do the work, and possibly increasing the likelihood of his work not making the mark. He could end up rushing, staying up late, making mistakes, or not giving himself time to carry out any revisions his boss might ask for. Additionally the more he acts on his anxiety, the more he increases his own stress, as, by avoiding the situation, he even gives his brain the message that this is a real danger.

How to handle emotional reasoning

So, what can we do? Emotional reasoning or emotional filtering requires awareness and a mindfulness of emotions. There are many things people find helpful, but if you can follow these simple steps you may find it easier to step back and observe what is happening...

1. When you are experiencing a strong emotional reaction, it's helpful to step back and acknowledge how you are feeling. Can you name your emotion? eg. I am feeling anxious / angry / fearful right now. Accept and be kind to yourself in that moment, and nod to the fact that you do have a Tricky Brain which is primed to experience these difficult emotions.

2. If you are feeling the full force of anxiety or anger, and feeling shaky or out of control, you can try some deep breathing to steady yourself. A good technique is Soothing Rhythm Breathing (blog post to follow). This can balance your emotional response and enable you to discover that you can cope.

3. As you begin to settle, you can choose to take a look at the facts here. What are your thoughts? What specifically is going through your mind? Are other unhelpful thinking styles (eg. black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions) taking hold and increasing the pressure? Write this down. When you get better at this, you can do it on the fly. Try reframing or balancing your thinking. Nobody claims this is easy, it takes practice and perseverance, but with practice old thinking patterns can be broken.

The main problem with emotional reasoning is that it can keep you stuck in an unhelpful autopilot state, where you continue to act on your emotional filter. The emotional filter's go-to actions include avoiding people or places, procrastinating, lashing out at others, all in an attempt to stay 'safe' or 'defend' yourself from harm. In situations where you really need protection, this is genuinely helpful, but realise that when you are being adversely affected by stress or are suffering from anxiety disorders or depression, for a lot of the time, your mind is like an overhelpful friend giving you advice you don't need.

If you'd like to find out more about other unhelpful thinking styles, take a look here:

Jumping to Conclusions
Black and White Thinking