4 beliefs which harm you: Unhelpful beliefs and your emotions

One of the founders of CBT, Albert Ellis had a way with words. His way of explaining things, as a rather brash and forthright New York psychotherapist, was that we would all lead calmer, more contented lives if we were able to stop 'shoulding' on ourselves, and, humorously, he added, not indulge in 'musterbation'. What could he mean?

Ellis' specific branch of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), known as REBT (rational emotive behaviour therapy), proposes that much of human suffering is made worse by the demands (the shoulds, musts, shouldn't and must nots) we make on ourselves, others or the world in general. These demands become the window through which we look at our world - past problems and difficulties in life can start to add a level of murkiness to our window. It can help to clean up the glass from time to time... which is where CBT comes in.

Beliefs impact on feelings

In CBT we look at the way inflexible and irrational thinking contributes to our distress. This is not a new way of thinking, in fact it's rooted in wisdom that goes back to the Stoic philosphers almost 2,000 years ago. Epictetus summed it up well when he wrote, "People are not disturbed by events, but by the view they hold of them."

Reality check

Before we start out, this is not to say that there are not situations which are very bad and in an ideal world would not have happened, but we live in an imperfect world. Pain, suffering and bad things happening are the price we pay for being alive. Life isn't always easy, life isn't by nature fair, and people don't always meet our expectations or our needs. The real power in CBT is that if we can learn to address the way we think, we can reduce unnecessary emotional distress which we may be layering on top of what may well be appropriate sadness, concern, healthy anger or regret relating to difficult situations. Negative emotions can be healthy responses to adverse events. These are necessary and human emotions which help to motivate us to take action. CBT is certainly not about putting a sticking plaster on your emotions, but it is about reducing emotional disturbance and experiencing a healthy emotional response.

Danger of demands

One of the main roots of vulnerability to unhealthy negative emotions (eg. anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, guilt) lies in the irrational beliefs which we may bring to our experience. Let's call these beliefs the window through which we view the world. While we may not be able to change the past, other people, or many situations and things which are outside of our control, we can clean up the window, by addressing irrational and unhelpful beliefs and replacing these with helpful, supportive alternatives. A clearer view will result in a calmer life with more measured responses. And who doesn't want a clearer view? With clarity, we can appreciate where we are with less negative judgement, and we have time to choose our response more wisely.

As human beings we all have wishes, desires, and ideas about how we want things to be... Unfortunately when things are not going our way, we might notice a tendency to absolutely demand that things are different. Often we may not even be aware that we are doing this. These demands might come in the form of unreasonable expectations, inflexible and unrelenting standards or striving to make the impossible possible. Ellis described these demands as being inflexible, unrealistic, and unhelpful. Demands can be easy to spot when you are on the lookout. Listen out for shoulds, musts, ought tos, need to's, have to's or their negative counterparts, mustn't, shouldn't and so on. These demands form an inflexible rulebook which contributes majorly to emotional distress.

Some of our unhelpful demands we may have developed over the course of our lifetime; at some point these may even have served as a way to adapt to difficulties we have experienced. This may have worked at some level in the past, but when we don't address these patterns of thinking, we can be left reacting in the same way we always have to our personal trigger situations. And in this way, we can easily become trapped by our past.

What are your demands?

How often have you considered the demands you place on yourself or others? What arises when your demand isn't met? Have a ponder for a moment. How often do these demands contribute to living your life in a calmer way? How often to they feed helpful behaviour or ways of thinking? How might they even exacerbate symptoms of anxiety or stress?

And it doesn't end there... When a demand about how things ought to be isn't met, we can disturb ourselves in three additional ways. 

Catastrophising: inflating the badness of the demand not being met. Self talk: It's awful, it's a disaster when my demand isn't met.

Low frustration tolerance: an underestimation of our ability to cope with the demand not being met. Self talk: I can't bear it, I can't stand it.

Self / other / world criticism: global negative and damning beliefs about yourself or others. Self talk: I'm a loser, failure, worthess. Or, he's an idiot, a total pain.

Flexible thinking

To remedy this, in CBT we work towards challenging irrational and unhelpful beliefs in order to improve psychological flexibility. This flexibility leads to adaptable supportive behaviour, greater resilience in the face of adversity, emotional wellbeing and improved self worth.

When you can reframe your beliefs with rational, flexible, realistic and helpful beliefs, you can experience a calmer outlook. Adapt your philosophy on life and choose to reframe the way you think with flexible preferences.

To illustrate, here's an example on a sporty theme.

Runner A: I absolutely have to win the race. It would be a disaster if I didn't. I couldn't cope with not being top of my game. I'd be a failure if I didn't win.

Runner B: I really want to win the race but accept that I might not. It would be bad, but not a disaster if I didn't. It would be hard facing up to it, but not impossible. I feel secure that I will have done my best and not winning doesn't mean I am a failure, just that on this occasion there was tough competition.

Which runner experiences the greatest emotional distress? How is runner A likely to feel? What about runner B? Which runner is likely to put in the best performance? Which runner will find it harder to compete next time?

Flexible preferences express what you would like to happen but acknowledge the reality that you may not get it. Even though this situation might be bad, and it might be hard, you can begin to learn to tolerate the difficulty of not getting what you would like.

So for now, I'd like to leave you just to consider your own demandingness. Keep a track and notice the tendency. Once you notice you can begin to relax some of the demands you feel able to let go of.

In summary, beware of the must, shy away from the should.

The other unhelpful beliefs I will deal with in another blog soon and link up to it here.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath. If you're looking for support, please feel free to get in touch using the contact link at the top of the page.

5 ways to make the most of your CBT therapy sessions

Now that you have taken the brave step of reaching out for help and since you are investing time and effort in coming to sessions, I’d like to offer you some tips on making the most of your CBT therapy sessions. Here's how best to navigate the process and  work towards the life you want.

First task. Let's clear up any misconceptions about therapy. Of course CBT is a talking therapy, but it might be more truthful if we called it a talking and doing therapy. Emotional change only comes from thinking and doing things differently. It will never be as effective to only talk about your problems. Talking may help you to understand why you feel the way you feel or think the way you think; of course, this can be helpful. But, if you think of therapy as like playing a musical instrument, such as the guitar, you will never succeed at playing by just talking, thinking or reading about guitars. Progress comes from practice, perseverance and commitment. Making changes are the way to experience the progress you are looking for, and CBT is most effective when approached as an active therapy.

The more you can do between sessions influences the amount of time you may spend in therapy. If at one far end of the scale, you only turn up to sessions to talk with your therapist, then it goes without saying progress will be slower.

Here are 5 tips to make the most of your therapy sessions.

1 Get yourself a therapy notebook
Even though we all carry phones around, and these can be helpful for on-the-fly notes, slowing down and putting pen to paper really does help to clarify the kinds of thoughts we are having, and can even help us to see our thoughts for what they are. We can better identify patterns of thinking which may be contributing to our problems.

To get the most out of therapy it is beneficial to make notes before, during and after sessions.

Before sessions Make a note of anything which would be helpful for you to discuss in your therapy session. However, since CBT is a goal-oriented therapy, if it is on a different topic entirely, you may have to weigh up whether this is something you would like to spend time discussing. 

Perhaps something might occur to you during the week which you wish you had told your therapist and which you think may be relevant to your treatment. If so, make a note, so you don’t forget.

During sessions Keep your pen handy during sessions and be ready to write down anything you find helpful or that you will want to remember. You never know when you might have a lightbulb moment. And it’s a good discipline to get into so that you remember any tasks you might have planned for between sessions… Therapists don’t like to nag, they really don’t.

After sessions Reflecting on a session is a good way to make the most of your latest session. Find some time, ideally while the session is still relatively fresh in your mind, and ask yourself a couple of simple questions. What stood out for you in the session today? How are you feeling now? What did you find helpful today? Did you (even in any small way) experience different feelings or think differently about yourself, others or the world in general? What friendly, compassionate and kind thing could you say to yourself now, which would support you to go about the rest of your day?

2 Learn to journal
During CBT we will cover different ways of journaling your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and physical sensations / symptoms. Practising noticing your own particular patterns is going to be important, because if we would like to change how we think and act, then we first need to notice our own tendencies which may be unhelpful and maintaining any difficulties we might be experiencing.

I’ll often supply different thought records and templates so you can practise noticing, then working towards reframing or managing your thinking in a new and helpful way.

3 Be clear about your goals
Even if your initial therapy goal is quite general, such as learning to manage your anxiety, or to cope better with life’s challenges, as therapy continues, it will be helpful to spend time reflecting on what specifically you want to be doing differently. As the weeks go by, it will help you enormously to have a picture of what you would like to aim for, the more specific the better. As with all goals, it’s important for your goals to be specific, measurable, achievable and to have an idea of when you would like to do this by. Goals help therapy to remain on track, although it is fine to step off the pathway from time to time. Life is like that and we can accept that sometimes life throws curveballs during your time in therapy and these may be more pressing to talk about at times.

4 Be honest
This is important on different levels. I really encourage my clients to understand that they are the expert on themselves and to be as honest as they can about how they think and feel. This will help your therapist to devise the best plan for you. If ever you don’t understand a concept or the rationale for an exercise, point it out, so your therapist can be more helpful. If you have struggled with an exercise, let your therapist know. 

5 Do your homework
Homework, or as some might call it, an action plan, consists of between sessions tasks. You might be working towards managing your thinking in a different way, practising mindfulness or relaxation techniques, or journaling. You might be changing what you do and approaching rather than avoiding difficult situations, places, conversations or people. You might be learning to relate to yourself in a kinder, more compassionate way.

In CBT we focus on using evidence based techniques, but it is only in the practice of these where you will learn what works best for you. Even if you think it might not work for you, can you be willing just to see that as an unhelpful thought which may be standing between you and feeling better.

Many tasks in CBT need to be repeated in order to experience a benefit, so be prepared to practice and repeat a task for at least a week or two to see what benefits you experience. Once you know what works for you, you’ll feel encouraged to keep doing it.

So these were the five things I’d like you to know. If that all sounds like a lot of hard work, you probably already knew that nobody ever said therapy was easy. It isn't, but it can be the most rewarding and valuable experience. It can be emotional and it can (clients say) even be fascinating. I wish you well in your therapy and much courage to try new and helpful ways of thinking and acting.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist based in Bath, UK. To find out more click on the links at the top of the page.

A tale of self acceptance: The Two Waves

Ever summed yourself up as a failure, not good enough, worthless or other sweeping negative description? You’re not alone. This tendency to downgrade ourselves if things aren’t going the way we want in life is common place. Self esteem can come crashing down when we do this. In CBT, we call this a global negative evaluation of ourself, and it’s helpful if we can learn to notice when we are doing this and work towards an understanding of the self as far too complex to rate and sum ourselves up with unhelpful all-encompassing evaluations. All too commonly, people suffering from depression, anxiety or stress can sum themselves up as ‘a failure,’ ‘not good enough’, ‘useless’ and so on, when the truth is that none of these can be proved to be 100% true.

Ever noticed yourself doing this? Some of us label ourselves down when things have gone badly in a particular area of our life, but then proceed to sum our whole self up as a result of one mistake or failing. Each person on the planet has a unique and interesting combination of strengths, weaknesses, traits, roles, history, attributes, thoughts, beliefs, emotional responses, so when we explore a ‘global negative rating’, it’s just never true. Each person is so much more than the sum of their parts.

I recently heard this story of the two waves, which I think explains in a vivid way how we are much more than we imagine we are.

There are two waves racing towards the shore, one large and one small. The larger wave is frightened and he says to the little wave, “Oh no, this is it, it’s all over for us. I can see the shore and the cliffs and we are doomed.” The little wave looks back at him and says, “No, we’re fine. I can’t see what the problem is.” The big wave replies, “Look, I am bigger than you, I can see over the top of you and I can see the foam and the shore – I can see that our journey is over.” The little wave looks back and replies, and says, “The end? Not at all you’re not just a wave, you’re the ocean.” The big wave has given himself a self-limiting label, just as we often do, and that has increased his distress as he chases in to shore. Consider for a moment how you might limit your own progress with your own negative labels.

Perhaps you can work on this idea for yourself? Grab a pencil and note down everything you can think of that makes up you. For example, make a note of all your strengths, weaknesses, neutral points, roles in life, beliefs, ideas, attributes, thoughts, likes, dislikes, and feelings.  If it’s hard, you can ask a close friend or family member to get you started. When you’re done, take a look. Now does it make sense to ever sum yourself up in global terms? Can it also be true that you are so much more than any label you give yourself?

Can you begin to learn to accept yourself for who you are – this wonderful one-off and complex human being. There will never be another like you! Sure, you make mistakes, from which you are welcome to learn, or you have weaknesses you'd rather you didn't, but that’s where you’re not alone. Welcome to being human!

I work as an accredited CBT therapist in Bath (MNCS Accred, National Counselling Society) and see self acceptance as one of the keys to improved mental health. If I can help you, please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page or email info@alibinns.co.uk